December 18

Sigh*** Tomorrow is December 18. The day we found out that our lives would forever be changed. In a good way :) I feel like Christmas 2008 and Christmas 2009 have just meshed together with everything in-between being a blur. We were told on December 18, 2008 that our baby girl had a heart defect. They weren't sure what, they just told us that she would need surgery within the first week of life, and that i would deliver her at the U of U. That was all the information we received that day. Ironicly, tomorrow just happens to be Libbi's cardiologist appiontment with Dr. Menon. This will be her first one with him since surgery. We went in for a post op appt, but not with him. I debated changing the appt when i realized it was December 18. I didn't. I am not superstitous. I'm hoping to turn it into a good day. For this year at least. It will always be 'THE DAY' i'm afraid. Sorry to Kurt's brother, James, who has a birthday this day, i will always remember it as a bad day. I remember going to Javiars for his birthday dinner and telling Kurt not to tell anyone. After dinner i went shopping with Kurt's mom and when i went to pick her up, i went in and told his parents. I don't even remember telling my mom, or anyone else, so if you do tell me? My brother had a baby December 14, just 4 days earlier. I didn't tell them for a while. I remember going over to their house and having to leave because i was so emotional seeing their sweet baby girl. They probably thought i was so rude. I felt rude, but i didn't know how to control my emotions at the time and i didn't want to spoil their new baby fun. My good friend, Natalie, had a baby girl on December 19 and i remember going to see her in the hospital. I left with our neighbor and i started crying. I didn't know how to keep it in. Natalie knew something was wrong, as hard as i tried to hide it. She called the next day to see what was going on. These all seem like such a long time ago. It's hard to believe it's only been a year.
We saw the perinatologist on December 23, he didn't tell us much more, only what he thought it was (TOF) which it didn't end up being, and that we needed to consider having an amnio done to see if she had downs syndrome. *Sigh* Merry Christmas?!? We tried. I remember Christmas Eve with Kurt's extended family and again, i told him not to tell. A few already knew and showed their concern. It was a hard Christmas Eve. I don't remember Christmas being too hard. I do remember my dad and Janiel giving me a coat and blanket for our baby and it was hard not to cry. But i didn't until later when they were gone. I did good. I did it for my kids, so they wouldn't have a sad Christmas. I don't remember anything else about Christmas day. It wasn't until January 15 that we went to see Dr. Menon at PCMC that we got more answers. That was a looonnnggg 3 and a half weeks!
I am really nervous to go tomorrow. She is fine. How could she not be? She plays, eats, sleeps, laughs, giggles, crawls, stands up, back talks (yes she really does!), pulls my hair, throws her food, throws fits, smiles, and melts our hearts! She is fine. I would know if she wasn't, i just know it. I know i will probably feel this way every time she has a checkup. The disease is blind. It sucks. But at the same time it is GREAT, we just go on living not even realizing she has a problem because she looks and acts fine! She is fine. I will re-assure you after i am re-assured tomorrow morning. Until then, good night and sweet dreams :)